interdependence.

the belated birthday dinner turned out really well! we had turqish grill at this restaurant along arab street, and it was awesome. or maybe the company made it so. i just remember feeling no pressure and no fear of being judged. i was with people who dont judge. =) such an easy thing. and i remember laughing til my stomach hurt on the way back. i'll never look at angel hair the same way again. =)

im such a child sometimes. too stubborn and insistent on getting what i want, and sulking when i cant. the bad thing is, i hide the frustration to people who can do something about it. so i end up unhappy for awhile. well, the good thing is, i have a horrible memory.

work was crazy on tuesday -- stayed past midnight. The Man took up about an hour of my time though, but it was really enjoyable conversation! i didnt get the idea that he was trying to dig though, cos he was sharing alot more than usual. very interesting chap.

cos of the late night on tuesday, i skipped NUS on wed, but went for a jog cos the sun was beautiful. lola managed only one round, and i had to drag her and shorten my jog cos i was worried about her. ha! but it's true. i'm scared. anyway. i shouldn't be.

i made a new friend! he's so much fun to be around. i blew $50+ at candy empire. lots of peanut butter cups! and a huge glass bottle of jellybeans. not that i eat them, but i know my children like them, and i love the bottle. but i digress. my new friend is quite similar to me in some small ways! i've finally found company for word games! a worthy opponent on word challenge. yay.

im looking forward to movies now though. with that bit of revamp in the office, i need a break. so... Sing To The Dawn, The Coffin, Thunder T??, i'm coming! oh, and i need to watch Mystery Man. but it's an old film. Ben Stiller, here i come! muahaha.

im too tired to make any sense. i havent been able to sleep. ugh. i hate feeling like this.

independence.

i wanted to go for a walk up bukit timah last sunday, but on saturday night my friend cancelled on me. i was rather upset, but i guess it was okay, since we decided to postpone it to the following monday (a few hours from now), and i made up for it by spending the entire day with zhen.

so for the past few days, i couldnt stop thinking about the trip that's happening tomorrow. cos i need some fresh air and a nice walk. but i made a huge mistake. because all the gofs were gonna turn up, i conveniently suggested a throw-in bday meal. something was bugging me at the back of my mind, so i sent out some confirmation texts earlier on, and i got negative replies. i came back from my jog, returned aud's call, and saw zhen's note. i was too confused from the sudden disinterest - i should have noticed the lack of it right from the beginning. it had always been to accommodate me.

i talked to jc, and ranted. that poor guy. i told him i was in a "talk to me like im queen or go away" mood, and he accommodated. i said that i recognised the mistake on my part, and that maybe i should just go on the walk myself if i wanted it so much. so he helped me out with the research and all. such a sweet guy. but i had to flare up at him over something tiny. i wanted to hold a map in my hands and doodle on it, and was wondering if there was gonna be one at the visitor centre. he got the idea that i wanted the map so i wont get lost and kept affirming that there's no way i can lose my bearings there. i just wanted it, and i didnt say anything about getting lost there. whatever the case, im bloody going alone and i just wanted a map. whoever cares whatever it's for? but anyway, i still feel really bad about flaring up at him over such a small thing. im sorry, jc. not like you'll be reading this, but it makes me feel better.

anyway, over the course of ranting, i discovered something. WWDD? she probably wouldnt hide the fact that she's upset, and then her friends will give in, and it'll never happen to her again. i get cancelled on so often cos i allow people to do it to me. i let them. but this is me. i grew up having people tell me that everything won't go my way, and i will never be able to make things happen for me. that i just have to learn to accept them and acclimatise. that is where our difference lies. i havent been brought up to be queen, and i dont do things to encourage people to pamper me.

like i told jc, maybe i'll wake up dropping the idea of the walk. very probable.

狗改不了吃shi

so crude. but well, succinct.

i need to change.

behind JOG.

"好伤感。地球的确不会因为没有了谁而停止转动，但被遗留下来的人儿总难免感到悲伤。要保重！"

天下无不散的宴席，十六年的短暂篇章，相信也为身旁的人上了宝贵的课。死亡虽是难免的，但也绝对是一件无法让人习惯的常事。时生说得好，与其哀悼生命的脆弱，不如珍惜每一秒的宝贵。

养不教，父之过
教不严，师之惰

一旦小孩出了状况，旁观者对家长的批评总来得好快、好狠。但置身其境的双亲不但得承受骨肉的分离，还得背负着把孩子逼上绝路的罪名。不论是教育制度出了问题，还是社会的复面影响，要背上这一个罪名，可不简单啊！人非圣贤呀。

此刻，我多么希望一棵棵小小的幼苗能在我灌溉的爱中健康，快乐的成长。能茁壮地向阳光展翅，就够了。开不开花，还是其次。今天在班上，我宣布会在考完事后带大家去吃冰棒庆祝。同学天真地问道：＂那，如果成绩不理想，还有没有得吃？＂＂这一年来，我看到的是大家的努力。很多时候，成绩并不能准确的反映这一面。只要你有付出，没有对不起自己，老师就为你感到骄傲。＂

那长篇大论，仿佛是说给自己听的。他们的成绩单，也就是我的成绩单。每一节课之前，我都得提醒自己，不能自私的把这一份压力转移到年幼的孩子们身上。

学习，就应该是件快乐的事。这，我比谁都能了解。

because i don't know what happens when you're not by my side.

i was shocked when i received bro's text. i was hoping he used the wrong word. that "committed" should be "attempted". i read it, and reread it. i'm sorry i didnt call. i suck at endings.

when cava left, i didnt even go to her wake. and it still bothers me. i suck at endings.

since cava's demise, ive started making it a point never to quarrel and let the other party leave my sight before we make up. at least for my family.

but with another death of someone so young, i cant help but see clearer again. that every single second we have with one another has been blessed, is a gift. and however tempting it is to vent all frustration on people closest to my heart, they dont deserve it.

and like the lyrics of one of the songs bro posted, who doesnt want to score 100? i'm making a mental note to never be mad at those children again. whether being mad at them works or not.

read the labels carefully.

"take after food"

well i've taken other medicine before/after food randomly before. but this almost killed me today. i took my antibiotics before food. but it was only 5 minutes before my mom cooked me my breakfast! but i threw everything up afterwards. the eggs, the ovaltine, the baked potato, and the yucky green antibiotics.

well, i am not independent. i admit it! i do wish i have someone fussing over me. i like being fussed over. i guess many others do, too.

so anyway, my label reads, "Keep Off."
cos i hurt people without knowing it. cos i cant handle endings, cos i dont know what to say. so, keep off. unless you can handle me.

1st post of 2008! woah!

it feels alot like christmas.

and i have no idea why.
maybe it's cos i saw someone wear something that reminded me of santarina. oh right. i think that's it. i saw a pair of shoes at charles and keith that reminded me of the sexy lucky bitch who gets to be with santa claus.

i just felt like blogging!

so it's the exams, and i get abit of nerves. which is sooo strange, i think it's karma. i never had the nerves when i was having mine, all those years ago!

and i honestly, honestly cannot understand why people think i cant speak mandarin. and the most incomprehensible part is, they still insist on it after they've heard me speak some! so gwm tried to explain it to me today...

gwm: your mandarin is very proper, but i think it's the way you speak it. very polite. you sound like a customer service officer.
me: ... customer. service. officer. ???
gwm: yes! like... "我可以为您服务吗？"

wtf? of all things! no wonder people take me as a bootycall. not only have i the "talk to me" face, now i speak mandarin like a CSO. i need to work on it. let's speak mandarin 24/7! no, i'm kidding. i dont want to get another bootycall. but anyway, i think gwm did a fabulous explanation.

anyway, not all chinese roam the redlight district, and not all who speak mandarin are chinese. im just an effectively billingual singaporean. fullstop. no race. dont bother with it. if you need to put a colour to me, it's yellow.

i think it's the drug the very cute doctor put me on. he said the side effect was nausea. and he's so right. i feel like throwing up very much. it's giving me a headache. and i cant sleep! urgh.