oooh. i feel my biceps.

so it was taitai day with fir yesterday =].
early morning library (mugger-toads!)
then gym at a nice pace,
lunch, shoppin'.
shioooookkk.

except i had to rush back for some stuff,
which turned out to be really fun!
i should really learn how not to scream so much.
skipped some stuff,
and tried to back out of it,
but the soft-heart of jo's tugging and maybe i'll go afterall.

revisiting of a certain place last night
reminded me of tonnes of stuff -
how i used to dangle my legs over the river,
how i used to comfort people,
how i threw up for the first time in my life aft kns gave me lime juice,
how someone borrowed money to buy flowers for another girl,
then how i sat with someone at coffee bean,
hearing stuff.. that i didn't really need to hear.
the voices that called out to me upon my arrival,
the familiar faces i used to see..
all fading into the dust.
we've grown up,
and things have changed.

this morning i woke up,
with a familiar pain in my upper arms.
and that brought a smile to my face.

blog diarrheoa

yes im doing a leona.
hahaha. sorry for the influx of posts babe!

gaozi -
yea, i think u're right.
abt the full stop thing.
u know, i think sometimes pple try too hard to prove a point.
like me and my old blogskin.
i think it practically screamed,
"LOOK! LOOK AT MEEE."
and in such a fervous attempt,
i dont think it succeeded much.

fir -
hehh sorry lahh havent had the time since the deadlines.
yes emphasis on dead.
ok! i'll try to find the code for a darker fonttt.

cyn -
woah u're still reading! heh. =]
u just made me realise ive kinda been thinking abt stuff
and hence the posts up for discussion
for further analysis.

dream diary

read from the october issue of Female last week,
and this particular entry about keeping a Dream Diary hit me.
trying to get into ur subconscious (Freud, right?)
thru analysis of ur dreams.
sooo. i've decided to try and keep a dream diary.
i used to think abt them
but i realised i'll forget them after sometime.
so after reading the entry,
i've woken up to jot down vivid dreams in the morning.
we'll see what they show.
but i didnt have time to jot down this morning's,
so here they are on my blog.

i dreamt that i was playing soccer..
with of cos, a team,
and an opposing team.
however,
i was not very good in the game.
i was slow n all, but i kept managing to kick at the ball,
and i kinda shone.
the first goal i tried,
i missed,
and i kept apologising for it.
"sorry sorry i missed the goal"
then i realised the others couldn't do anything.
couldnt help me out cos they were worse than me.
then this one teammate came up n tried.
she was good.
got the goal and stuff
and the two of us just kept attacking--
which is weird, cos i used to do defence.
and no, it wasn't a competitive thing between me n her.
we were not competing, we were cooperating.
so we won,
1-0 or 2-0.
so much stuff to reflect on.

i also dreamt of my mommy--
oh yes i slept quite abit.
she called,
and me, thinking it's the tuition kid,
picked up but didn't hear her out.
then i realised it's her.
but it was too late..
she said she was going to china for awhile.
when i called back her phone was off already.
oh man.
i miss mommy.

fuck.

i was just thinking abt it the other day.
and brought this up with feng.
"u know.. 'fuck' isn't exactly the nicest-sounding word.
but i think only the more highly-educated people use it."
feng said something like that,
"yea, the others use 'cheeybye'."

i read this somewhere -
"people attempt suicide in the hope of feeling relief,
but relief is a feeling,
and you can't feel when u're dead."

i don't think people attempt suicide to feel relief.
i think people attempt suicide to stop feeling.
but what if,
just what if,
there is another life after death.
will u feel that way forever in the life after death?

suicide is a very selfish thing.
i never doubted it.
but when things come to a point
where the hurt becomes physical
and u feel paralysed,
u just can't help it.

"suicide is when pain exceeds the body's resources to cope with pain."

no, i'm not feeling suicidal.
there're alot of things holding me back.
the money that's lost to insurance policies forever,
the cpf money i owe my bro for education,
the money i've used up from my family for so many things,
the concern i owe alot of people.

most importantly,
i want to feel better.
it's tired to feel jaded n helpless,
and the only way to get better,
is to feel better.

i was just talking to a friend,
who's gone back to sydney for her graduation
and will be returning very soon.

i miss the times when i felt super comfortable with friends,
and just refuse to ever, ever leave them.

it got me thinking..
and i think i'm happy being me.
i've always felt happy when i feel happy,
not feeling sad n regretful that it's gonna end.
almost always lived in the moment,
and enjoyed the company that i should enjoy.

i hope this mentality stays,
cos i thought i felt it creeping away..

so many times i think
"if i were to die and s/he were to discover
how i really truly felt, ..."
but i never considered the possibility of
dying before these people
in all those moments.

love is not something you keep deep within you.
happiness is not something you decide others will feel.
you can't decide how people will react
with a certain choice of ur action or hiding of emotions,
because everyone has the right to feel
not to be decided for n denied that right.
no, not everyone is brave enough to face it.
for one, i'm not.
to face that i can't decide someone else's happiness.
that when i say,
i know (and oh how i really really know)
that it'll be better for him/her if i don't do this,
i really won't know.
we assume we know.

if i were to choose between remembering something that breaks me
and deleting all of it from my memory,
i really don't know what i'd choose.
when i watched it happen on Eternal Sunshine,
all those revisiting of memories,
i really really thought i'd never bear to part with them.
but when the hurt of those same memories
(because they now hold a different meaning)
pierce through my soul
and crumble my will to live on,
do i really want to keep them?

but one day, i know,
the tears will turn into bittersweet smiles.

my drama day

my drama day!
(in Memento sequence though)

now i'm sitting on my rowing cushion
that's on my stool
which is in front of the comp,
and i'm typing as fast as my hands can
to record the information that my brain has just processed.

just got another ego booster.
a guy chatted me up in the lift!
to speak the truth,
he wasn't bad looking lah.
abit vertically challenged,
but then i was in heels.

anyway i met him outside the lift.
when he was running abit towards the door
n pressed the button,
i happened to turn the corner.
so he stood aside and let me in first.
so i said thanks
and pressed my floor button.
then he pressed his.
the conversation went something like this:

me: which floor?
he: eighth.
he: you stay here? i havent seen u around much.
me: yeapp.. i stay in hostel.
he: oh u're still schooling?
me: yeapp, nus.
he: oh nus. do u mind if i talk to u for five minutes?
(me having the experience of asking favours of ppl in weird circumstances, agreed.)
me: sure.
he: (looking surprised) oh u don't mind?
me: nope.
(so we stepped outta the lift on my floor, me expecting to have the conversation just outside the lift)
he: i'm panting cos i was rushing here k
me: it's ok
(his panting didnt sound that way lah.)
he: yea i was rushing to my aunt's place, she stays here actually. the carpark over there (pointing to the multi storey carpark) is free right?
me: uh nope i dont think so you know.
he: oh. i usually park there.
(the repetition made me wonder if he was trying to show off or something)
he: im in NS now,
(at this point i wanted to go, "oh can see from your hair.")
2nd lieutenant.
(as if i know wad that was. but james just enlightened me that it's officer. aieyoh so? i also got officer frens.)
me: (unimpressedly) i see.
he: actually i study in TP, communications design n blahblah i didnt catch the complete thing. do u mind if we find some place to sit down?
me: (not budging) ok.
he: we'll go sit at the steps then.
(seated himself at the bottom of the flight of stairs)
(i seated myself a few steps above him. one, so that if anything happens i can run away. by this point in time i was having my walls up. two, i lazy to walk lah. wearing heels.)
he: oh, you're sitting so high ah.
(moves himself to beside me, feet touching. he apologised n moved away slightly. i felt more comfortable, cos i was wearing a pretty short skirt.)
he: (takes out his handphone, making contact with me.) this is my good fren in army. i had to cut my hair, but im allowed to leave it now.
me: (moving away) if you don't mind.
(sounded like he thought he looks better with his hair unbotak.)
he: huh?
me: its ok, nothing.
he: (in the most casual way possible. amazed me at how he could say it so casually)do u have a boyfriend?
me: (lied immediately)yeap. anyway, so wad's your point?
he: oh it's quite detailed so yea. im from communications design n blahblah..
me: yeapp.. so wad is it u wanna ask me abt nus?
he: oh u know nus n ntu are doing some yearbook..
me: yearbook?
he: yeap..then yea..
(he sounded like he couldnt phrase his words properly)
me: how abt i give u my email address, u email me abt it ok?
he: sure. (leans over n makes forearm contact) wad's ur email address?
me: blahblahblah.
(stood up to walk to the lift)
he: do u mind if i give u a hug?
me: huh?! uh yea.
he: haha just kidding lah.
me: haha bye then.
he: u not gonna wait for the lift with me?
me: guess not.
he: haha (looked like he sincerely didnt mean it)

ripple meiyi n i went into the performance of Quills late.
we didnt get the ticket stubs,
and had to stand behind with the sound manager for a while before scene change.
but eventually we got seated properly,
and the show was pretty not bad i must say!
during interval we met up with lane who was on time,
and went to sit with her.
left after some slow walking from ms to clarke quay station.
i took probably the last train from clarke quay
and decided against getting a sandwich.
and i met this guy at the lift.

met up with ripple n meiyi at dhoby ghaut
where i was late.
we took the city bus called C1
and rip asked the uncle if it goes to robertson quay.
uncle said yes.
when we reached the stop before esplanade,
the uncle stopped the bus by the roadside
and told us in mandarin that we'd have to wait awhile.
so we waited.
and waited.
and waited.
we started feeling abit weird.
like..uncle got diarrheoa?
interchange?
oh no are we stranded?
so we honked abit after waiting
and a different uncle came.
traffic was heavy
and hence we were late.

update

havent been blogging for sometime.
i've been unable to remember wad i wanna talk about,
so that's the reason for the lack of posts.

ive been analysing my life like i do a play
ever since i was small.
like "wad this person does means this", and
"wad i do might give the impression of that", etc.
wad a stressful life i lead.
but oh well,
when i stepped into the world of deeper analysis,
my life just got more stressful.

one thing about me,
i'm a dependent.
i thrive on company.

i don't like my friends to get angry at me,
i wish i could go "oh fuck care", but i cant.
i don't like it when i do something
that cause people to get angry at me.
and incidentally,
i was waiting behind this girl with these words on her tshirt
"i can't tell u the formula for success,
but it can tell u the formula for failure-
try to please everyone."
i always told myself i don't try to please people,
i'm just being me,
doing wad i like,
and trying not to do wad i dont like.
but it scares me
when i realise how much it affects me,
my self-esteem and my warped up mind
when some stuff happens.

my life is planned..
every coincidence has a significance
and i meet the most appropriate quotes
during the most uncanny times.
or maybe i'm jsut reading my signs
like how some people read the bible.

pomo homework

postmodernism homework.
click here!